Generic Day

Shall we start with a lifeless little generic beginning? 

Today, I went to school. Well, college, to be exact. When I was in my early high school years and my late primaries, I used to think how cool it would be to actually say "I'm going to college today" instead of the boring, usual "I have school tomorrow.". I guess as kids, you never really fathom much about life as a young adult. 

College, as it seems, is not as 'special' as I'd have thought if I still had my 12-year-old mind. It has improved significantly of late, and for some reason I don't regret switching my courses. Sometimes, yes, I do feel a small tinge of regret, wishing I was still among the close-knit group of only 20 students. I'd miss them terribly, well, most of them, when I visited them yesterday. Chang's expression was the most epic I've ever seen in my entire life; that was the best welcome home present! :D 

Anyways, to continue my little daily life-story. 

At college, I began the morning with two tests in a row. Math wasn't too bad, I did all the reviewing last night, as was pretty proud of myself. At least, till I see the results. Everytime I think I did good, it always comes out vice versa, so this time I'm sure it's gonna be pretty much littered with a lot of careless mistakes. 

CnC test wasn't toooo bad... but it still sucked. Part A and B and C were decent(34/35), but the rest are to be marked by Ms Shelley, and since I crapped pretty much most of the central approaches of the schools of thought, I'm not looking forward to seeing how I did for that part. Ha..haha..ha. 

Also, a most interesting thing happened in class today(Yay for generic content!). Test periods are supposed to be silent, right?

Wrong. 

I was fine doing my advanced functions, but I was compressing all my coughs(which suddenly decided to multiply itself by hundreds) while I concentrated on CnC. It worked a little, or for awhile, before things got serious and compressing them created a huge sort of explosion(implosion?) inside my body. Ms Shelley got me to sip water continuously, to no effect, and I had to rush to the bathroom, choking like a chihuahua. Okay, so that's an exceptionally ridiculous simile, chihuahuas don't choke, but I was seriously choking. Like. A. Sick. Boss. It was awful. 

My classmates were everywhere after that, asking whether I was okay. It's surprising how a cough can generally affect your overall well-being. Now I'm sounding like a doctor. Except I don't care for doctors..well, most of the time, anyway. I try my best to keep a good distance. 

The cough has more or less slowed its pace, thanks to some disgusting medicine I found in the fridge. I finished up the Dry Cough mixture-- it didn't taste bad! At least, it was a bearable cherry flavor and didn't leave an awful aftertaste in my mouth. However, I finished the last drop last night(sobs), and since phlegm has been starting to plague my chest anyway, I started on the other cough mixture, supposedly for, um, chesty cough? Or cough that gets your throat all mucked up with green slime. That's my definition, in human terms. 

I came home, watched a Whitney Houston tribute on tv, and started singing I Will Always Love You to Kia, my cat. The result had Kia jumping out of the kitchen window and out onto the road for some(according to my mom) peace. I beg to differ. Kia loves my singing. Heck, she replied me when I sang to her an encore of The Greatest Love Of All. She loved it, I could tell. Ahem. 

And so, that summed up my wonderful day of February 16. Was it generic enough to bore you? If you're at the end of this sentence, congratulations. You've survived an ordeal of words. 

Give yourself a pat on the back.

Colored

I stole someone's pattaya fried rice by accident, and never looked back. 

In other words, I wasn't forever alone after all. :)

Thank you for the best Valentine's Day ever. 

You've brightened my day with this unexpected splash of color. I'll never forget it.

Ours

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY Y'ALL; 

Lots of love, 

yours truly. 

(Or more like, Forever Alone Day for moi! :D And, no, I am NOT like that girl in the picture up there. In my opinion, the guy should be bringing me my heart balloon, not the other way round. It looks sorta desperate anyway, and pathetic, but totally in line with the Forever Alone theme. Mmhm, beat that. )

God bless.

Hardened

It's hard to not hate myself at times; when the everything and a majority of the people around you don't give a freaking care, as if you need to die before they take any notice. 

I bet if I died tomorrow, only like, four people would cry. Someone once told me I am loved. 

Heck, she doesn't know. She has like, loads of friends who love her and brothers who would die for her, and I have barely one friend. 

True story. 

Have I done something wrong? What is it about me that seems to drive people away? I'm always driving people away. Everytime I feel as if I've finally found a friend I can click with, they turn their backs on me instead. Two people have already given me that impression lately... and don't get me started on old friends.

I've done my best. My very very best. But I don't pester people. I don't like forcing people to hang out with me, or to be friends with me. I've tried to not be a bother. College is a sad life with barely anyone. 

And youth. I thought youth was finally a place where I could make some real friends. Instead, they've turn their backs on me as well. Well, some of them, at least. 

Screw this. I might as well just start living a solitary life in the jungle and make friends with animals. God loves me, sure, I know that, and He understands my pain, but I'm a pretty pathetic person to have this sort of 'pain'. If I told someone they'd prolly make fun of me and stick the "foreveralone" meme on me. 

Sometimes I have this feeling that I'm a sort of black shadow, emitting a sort of evil radiation that will kill anyone who comes near me. I'm prolly poisonous in nature. Maybe I deserve it. I feel as if I have a black heart, a hard, rocky, heart with no feelings. Forgive my putting down of myself...but I'm incredibly frustrated at myself. I'm frustrated at my character, my social life, the fact that I have no friends. 

There must be something wrong with me.

Disillusions

I hate those moments when I log into Facebook and see my news feed cluttered up with someone's spam shares on pictures and quotes that promote what a girl wants and what every boyfriend should do. 

Seriously. I know you're excited about Valentine's Day, but keep it between you and your significant other, eh? While some(hey, I'm being fair here, alright) of those shares were pretty darn sweet(cause duh, which girl doesn't secretly habor hopes for something or some dream to be fulfilled), the rest were just...plain cheesy. It made me facepalm like..like no tomorrow. What's with these potential feminists and their constant churning out of photos and quotes that encourage young women to have this fixed vision of their Prince Charming? They're deluding these youngsters. I do believe relationships are a two-way street; each partner has to meet each other halfway. Not a one way street, be it from a girl's point of view of a boy's perspective. I've come across plenty of that during my high school years to know enough of that. 

I'm no 'expert' on relationships. I don't believe anyone can actually be an 'expert' on what one should or should not do. I have only one motto: Meet each other half way. And trust in God to look after the rest. 

Oh, and I'm no feminist either. I despise feminists. I think there's a difference between fighting for equality and fighting to get the female race to dominate the entire world. I loathe how some extremist moves tend to lean more to the point of encouraging women to overpower men and take over their roles. I may be a woman, and I do believe in equal rights, but I still adhere to God's word which says we are the 'weaker partner'. I don't think God was downgrading women, I think He was just embracing the feminine, gentle nature of females in which He created them to be. And also telling them men to better take good care of their wives or face the wrath or their Creator. 

Anyways! I don't know what drove me to write whatever nonsense I wrote above. I got carried away as usual. Duh. Typical me. I was suppose to write about something related to Valentines Day.Oh, yes, my insane college campus is having a Valentine's sale.. teddy bears, chocolates, yadda yadda yadda. Stepped out today after class ended and saw the booth all set up. It's surprising how colleges allow for Valentine's Day sales, even openly acknowledging 'lovers' and so on... back in high school, when the clubs wanted to sell stuff in relation to Feb14, they had to rephrase it to 'Friendship Day', which was kinda lame, and somehow didn't stop the boyfriend of one of my classmates from purchasing her a bouquet of 99 roses XD. 

Moral of the story? Malaysian public high schools; give it up already. There's no way rephrasing 'Valentine's Day' can actually deter young kids from experiencing getting together or whatever you call it. Besides, Interact Club was selling ROSES, in white and yellow and red... do friends really give roses to each other to express their friendship? D: 

Apparently, they do. XD Girls, yes. Guys...um..maybe not so much. Would be pretty awkward if one of them got a rose with a label that said "LOVE FROM BRYAN."

This Valentine's Day, though, I'll be spending it with my beloved partner of...15 years? :DD

Oh, beloved lamchim. Always ready with a cuddle every night. I couldn't ask for a better Valentine's. :)

Goodnight, world. Don't get too caught up in the lovers' den! There's life out there; don't waste it.

Awkward

The awkward moment when your aunt comes by and tells you things you didn't expect and you unintentionally go red in the face and lose your ability to keep a straight expression.

True story.

Captured

This reminds me of you.

Because, annoyingly cliche as it is, it makes me smile whenever I see you spring your amazing skills.

This one's for you, because I miss you, and I think about you every time I feel down, or frustrated, or hateful, or annoyed, or impatient, or crappy, or even when I'm happy and cheerful. I think about your patience, your soothing words, your hugs, and I feel better. Thank you for being there for me through all my horrible days. No one's ever understood me more than you have..not even the people who have known me and loved me my whole life.

I know you'll do extreeeeeeemely well for your tests. You shall. Remy Boleh. Lepsy says so. :)

Extend my wishes to my beloved little sister for me, too, won't ya? Chris dear, if you pass your tests, I'll let you wear my baby jacket. Promise.

God bless you. You'll be in my prayers tonight.

Conflicted

My heart is brewing with uncertainty, and I feel as if I'm being pulled back and forth between what I feel I should do, and what I feel I want to do, but am not sure whether it is right.

In life, you're gonna have to deal with some catfish in which your Christian faith will be tested. My head is whirling with the words patience, kindness, goodness, self-control... and the question: What would Jesus do?

I've asked myself that dozens of times. And I'm not even sure. God would..what would God do? Would He sit down, talk with her, advise her? I do not know. I do not know how to deal with people like her who have not done anything toward me, but simply just stirs up frustration and irritation by her own annoying behavior.

I don't want to be harsh, and brash; I do not want to hurt someone. I know what it's like to be hurt, and I don't want it to happen to anyone else because, after all, she is still my sister in Christ. God loves her just as much as He loves me, nobody deserves to be hurt. I am the most vulnerable person when it comes to the capability to hurt others. I have hurt others before. And I have been hurt myself.

I can be the coldest, hardest, most horrible person anyone has ever known, despite the fact that everyone seems to see me as this sweet young woman. Those who know me well, know my true self, and I'm not a wonderful person. The thoughts I have, the things I do...I'm not proud of them. I am currently restraining myself from breaking out of this anger bubble I wrapped myself in, from bursting out against someone who, despite all the irritation that has caused me, is still innocent. Even if she'd done something wrong, I believe we should love our enemies; because that's what God does.

I'm searching for answers. This issue is testing the Christian character within me. One side of me is saying, "Be hard. Be cold. Tell her off. Let her learn a lesson. She deserves it."

And while I believe, yes, she does deserve it, will it be worth it? Is it worth doing all those out of anger, and potentially hurting someone else? And what about me? What good does it do for me? How will others perceive me, this..this terrible, cold, harsh person?

I have done enough in the past to have earned a terrible reputation, and gained a terrible character. I'm trying to change..but, when such things happen, how do you trust God to give you the right answers, when you've so little faith? What if I go ahead and make the wrong decision instead?

I hated my past self. I was a horrible, horrible person. And I fear my decision might potentially drag me back to where I was. I would lose the respect I'd gained, the trust I'd built up, the friendships I'd made. I fear losing everything. And I believe, absolutely believe, that everyone has a right to come for God, to praise and worship Him and grow spiritually. How can I deny a person that chance? While I may not be the one doing the changing, or God's work, I always want to do what little I possibly can. Anything that would let God do His work, produce His magic.

I am hating myself at the moment because I feel so hateful to another person. And the hate is fueling a particular decision which I fear may not be the right one. But I have no control over it..the urging is incredibly strong, and I cannot seem to let go of the frustration within me. Is it God speaking to me..? HAH. I doubt it. God would not let me deprive another child of His the opportunity to go for youth.

Well. Whatever. I have work to do anyway. God help me; I get answers by the end of the week...but to get answers, Imma have to seek Him first. Will the anger go away?

I hope so.

Long Goodbye

Happy endings are hard to come by.

But they do exist.

Big brother, I'll miss you so much.

Bookworm

So I've selected my books, and awaiting Mr Wise's approval on them.

*Cross fingers*

Lets just hope this turns out to be a good choice. Because honestly, I'm really terrified of this first book by Forster. BOOK, Y U NO LESS PAGES? D: